Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!!

I'm back from my visiting my sister and my road trip with my mom. I had an amazing time and I'm proud to say that I not only survived the eating experiences, but I think I did a pretty darn good job enjoying them, too! Sure I had some negative thoughts, but for the most part I was able to brush them aside and get on with it.
I even share a huge order of french fries with my sister one day:

They were amazing!
For privacy reasons I won't tell you where my sister was, but here's a pic of me ;)
If you know where this is, you win a prize lol!
I could write a deep, moving post about everything that happened this last year, but...I still have so much to process and I'm not quite ready share everything. Suffice it to say, that this year has been a cliche roller coaster for me with it's fair share of sadness and joy. But I guess that's life, right?

So instead, I'm going to do a survey that I saw on the wonderful Jess's blog. <3

2011: In The Beginning

Where did you go on New Years?  I stayed home.
Did you kiss anyone on new years? My cat. ;)
2011: Your Love Life
Did you break up with anyone?  Nope
Did you meet anyone special?  Not in a romantic way, but I meet lots of special people. <3

2010: All about YOU
Did you change at all this year? how? I did change. I worked extremely hard in recovery and in becoming more independent. I think that I'm actually a lot more easy going now than I ever was before and I've become more social too. My dreams and plans have changed a bit, but I think for the better!
Did you dye your hair? No, I've never dyed it actually!
Did you get your hair cut? Yes
Did you change your style? Well, I don't really have a set style, per say. I like to play around!
Were you in school? Yes indeed.
Did you get good grades? Yes
Did you drive?Yes
Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes
Did you go on any vacations? I did!!
Did you leave the country at all? No :( I want to travel more!!!
2011: Friends and Enemies
Did you meet any new friends this year? Yes I did. :)
Did any of your friendships end? Not really, there are people who I don't talk to much anymore, but nothing negative.  
Did you dislike anyone? Well, yes
Did you make any new enemies? I don't think so!
Who were your closest girl friends? No names, but I love them!<3
Did you grow apart from anyone? In some ways, but I don't think

Did you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships? I do, but what's done is done and we can only move on.
Are you good at hiding your feelings? I think I am, but that's not necessarily a good thing.
Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart? I think I could as long as that person was willing.  
Have you ever skipped class? Once this semester.
This year have you ever been heartbroken? Nope
Was this year the best one yet? I don't think so, but every year will get better!
Well, that's all for now! I hope everyone had a fun and safe New Years Eve. And many blessings for the new year ahead!

Monday, December 19, 2011

OMG We're Back Again!!

(Sorry for the cheesy title!;)
So...It's been almost exactly 2 months since I last posted. Seriously?? Where does time go?
I have so much to say because so much has happened and changed in that time period. I really don't know where to begin.

On the eating front - well, I feel almost "normal". It's strange, as if one day I just decided that I was sick of obsessing over food. I mean I love/hate food still, but I've been eating more than I ever have and loving it! And I haven't really even gained any weight. In fact, because I've been exercising, I actually have some arm muscles and I'm even beginning to love my body. Of course there are still days when I think, "Ugh, I'm f*t", but I really try to just push those thoughts aside and get on with it. It might sound woo-woo or corny, but my mantra is "I can eat whatever I want and not worry about it." And I honestly believe its working. I eat a ton of "healthy" food still, but I also eat Red Velvet Cream Cheese Brownies, which in my opinion are healthy too(but then I'm never one to turn away dessert, anyway!:)

As far as life goes, my family suffered the loss of a dear friend, who was like an aunt to me. She was my mom's best friend for 31 years, her matron-of-honor, and the equivalent of god mother to me and my sister. She passed away completely unexpectedly in October - she was only 64. It's been incredibly hard for my mom who used to call/text her almost every day. I believe in Heaven, and I know she is watching over us, another angel to care for us, but it makes me incredibly aware of how fragile we humans are and how every single second is a gift. And while, this shouldn't be about me, I do think it's helped me in my recovery to see the bigger picture - how precious life itself is and how we can't worry about little things like weight and size because there is so much more that we need to enjoy while we are here in this world.

In happier news, I'm flying out to day to visit my sister who is touring with an ice skating show!!! I'm so, so excited because I haven't seen her since July. This is the longest time I've been separated from her since she was born! lol. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried about how my eating philosophy is going to hold up during the trip, but I'm going to try hard to stay on top of things. Backsliding is not an option!!

Oh and I'm on break from school, which is why I can write this post. It was a ROUGH semester, but I got through it and I'm glad to be able to relax now! I apologize for not reading/commenting on all of your blogs more often, but hopefully that will happen a bit more now at least after this week when I get back from my trip. I'm not sure when I'll be able to post again, but just know that I still think of you all often and I honestly love and appreciate each one of your beautiful souls!


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Keep Going!

So here I am in case anyone was wondering. I'm sure you were all just waiting for my next amazing post! (not!) But, seriously, I really haven't been around the blog world lately. I'm sorry I haven't really commented or even read all that much. It's just that things have been so busy and I've been feeling rather uninspired lately anyway. Do you want to see my schedule? Of course you do! lol

Mon - school from 1:30-9
Tues - work either 10-2 or 2-6
Wed - school from 9:30-12:30, teach skating from 5:30-6:40
Thurs - school from 9-9(!!)
Fri - work from 10-2, school from 6-9
Sat - teach skating 9:20-10:40, work from 11-3
Sun - work from 7-11

In addition to studying for my normal classes, I'm studying for the comprehensive exams in December. And I'm taking driving lessons. It's kinda redic! But, I'll get through it, hopefully!! ;)

I've been doing ok on the eating and gaining front. Peanut butter helps, hehe.  I've actually been doing more weight training which is a good motivator to eat more and gain muscles. At least, I've found that if I tell myself I need to fuel my muscles I eat want to eat more and feel better overall.

My emotions have been absolutely crazy the past few weeks, though. I don't know whether its my hormones kicking in or adjusting to my school schedule or what, but I seriously cry every other day at the drop of a hat. It's not horrible or anything, but I'm wondering if I should get that figured out...

Anyway, I'm not trying to bog you guys down with complaints or negativity. My life is actually pretty amazing. Sure, it's overwhelming at times, but I'm so grateful for the chance to grow and learn and LIVE! Everyone has their cross to bear, and reading your blogs inspires me to keep going and truly enjoy what's around me. I want to sincerely thank you all for that!

I'm not sure if I'll be back for WIAW, but just know that I'm thinking of all of you!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

The Least That I Can Do is Care

Today is a day of reflection and emotion for most Americans and, in fact, much of the world. What happened on 9/11/2001...well, it makes me cry.

I don't want to put aside the true meaning and horror of this day because, honestly, my little problems are nothing compared to the suffering and sadness that those directly affected by the attacks have to live with every day. I certainly don't think my own cares should eclipse those of others. But, I do believe that this is a good opportunity for all of us to take stock of the last 10 years.

Ten years ago I was 12, still home schooled, and living in Boston. I remember being up in the loft of our apartment doing my math while my mom was downstairs watching the Today Show like every other morning. After the first plane hit my mom called her best friend and I went downstairs to stare at the TV. I don't think I quite understood the magnitude of it at first; it just seemed so surreal. But, I think it was the beginning of my realization of how complicated and scary and evil and wonderful and compassionate the world is.  I was still a child in so many respects - innocent and just coming to grips with the reality of the world. I think that my generation, which was old enough to understand what happened, but still too young to understand the whole picture, was especially effected by the events of those days.

Ten years ago I was oblivious to the ED lurking in my near future.  I won't go as far as to say that 9/11 has any direct correlation to my anorexia, but in a sense it did. I was trying to figure myself out and how I fit in the world. And, subconsciously, there was the realization that I can't control much of anything.

Ten years ago was also the day I started skating. I remember my mom called the rink to see if they were still having the class and they were. Little did I know how much that would change my life and provide me with some of the greatest joy and deepest frustration I would ever experience. Skating, too, influenced my ED, causing me to question my body, my abilities. But it also helped me pull through the worst of it; I needed a healthy body to skate.

So much else happened in the days following. My dad got called to NYC to help temporarily convert a hotel into offices for those displaced from the tower. Living so close to the New York and Washington, I heard countless stories of people who knew people. Miracles and tragedies surrounded me. I cried, not really knowing why. I don't want anyone to take this the wrong way, but I've never been an intensely patriotic person. I mean I love my country, but I love the world more.

So today is a bittersweet day for me as it is every year. I think of all the people who lost their lives or where affected by the attack and I think of my own small tragedies and struggles with ED. It puts things in perspective and yet it makes the miracles of life seem so much sweeter. I'm such an emotional person that I wish I could give everyone love and comfort and hope and peace. But of course, I am only me. But I can care and I can pray and I can start to heal myself.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

WIAOMB (What I Ate On My Birthday)

Thanks so much for the birthday love! It was a fun day. Nothing too big - my mom and I just went to the zoo for a bit and had then ate cake!

Birthday zoo outfit. Excuse the bathroom pic.
I got this little guy from my sister:

I love wooly mammoths - if they ever end up cloning them I want one!!
And a dress from my mom which I'll have to post a picture of soon.

So since this is WIAW I though I'd show you what I ate yesterday for my birthday.



Almond Joy Oats - oats made w/ coconut milk and water, almond extract, unsweetened coconut, flaxseed, topped with chocolate yogurt. You can see a half eaten banana in the background too, hehe.

Huge salad w/ cucumber, radishes, blue cheese, tomatoes, olives, eggplant spread, and olive oil/vinegar dressing. Unpictured hummus and pretzels were also consumed.
Meatloaf sandwich on flatbread, kale/mushroom chips and fruit salad w/ whipped cream.
And of course:

It was (well, still is - we still have some left) a Burnt Sugar Bundt Cake with Caramel Rum Frosting. From my new favorite treat baking book, Baked by Matt Lewis and Renato Poliafito  The key ingredient in both the cake and the frosting is the Burnt Sugar Liquid which you make by caramelizing the sugar and adding cream, coconut milk, and lemon juice.
The cake itself is really moist and dense and I love the crunchyish crust with the soft interior. Funny story about the frosting though. The directions say to just put all the ingredients (Burnt Sugar Liquid, powdered sugar, butter, rum) in the food processor and then blend. But ours turned out really runny and looked nothing like the picture even after we added extra powdered sugar to try and firm it up. It also started to separate and look almost curdled - maybe because of the rum or lemon juice? We also had to use light coconut milk because that's all we could find, so maybe that had something to do with it too. It still tastes amazing though, but doesn't look very pretty!

I hope your all making it through the week okay. I have exactly one week til school starts again so I'm enjoying every last second. Hugs!!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Hi guys!

I thought I'd be back sooner, but we all know how that goes! Anyway...
Today is my birthday!!! 22 what's up??

Not sure exactly what I'm doing today, but probably skating this morning and then going to the zoo tonight with my momma. The zoo is our go-to place for birthdays in our family and I've always loved it!

Overall things have been going well. I've certainly had some challenges, but I'm really trying to have a positive attitude. Letting go of guilt (real and imagined) is one of the hardest things for me to do and I've been struggling with that lately. I think most people with an ED can attest that guilt is a very powerful force, whether it's about eating, asking for help, or something else in life, really. I want to write a post on the subject, but I think I'll save it for another day. Today is about being HAPPY!

I hope all of you are doing well and taking good care of yourselves. :) And I wish all of you east-coasters a speedy recovery from Irene. I've been through a hurricane/tropical storm before and its not that fun.

Ohhh... I'll get pictures of my cake up soon!

Love you all!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Wandering Out Into This Great Unknown

Hi everyone! Don't all fall over because I'm posting on a Monday! hehe

Thanks so much for all of your kind and encouraging comments on my last post. I think recovery needs to have goals and these goals need to constantly be reevaluated and broadened as we progress. Of course, sometimes we need to step back or go back to the drawing board if something isn't working. And sometimes we just need to be gentle with ourselves and know that we are trying our hardest with what mental and emotional energy we have available.

Case in point: I was slightly disappointed this week because I didn't gain any more weight even though I felt like I ate more than usual. I probably could have done more, but I want to take it slow and I def. slipped up a few times. In some ways, though, this whole experience is good for me because it just proves how adaptive our bodies and metabolisms are. Eating more doesn't automatically mean weight gain, it means a faster metabolism and a healthier body.

Another example:

1/2 cup oats, 1 heaping TB of cocoa, a little honey, and probably a bit too much oat milk...oops! I topped it with a bit of unsweetened chocolate and some peanut butter.
 Lol, just kidding. I guess this wasn't TOO much of a disaster.

Somethings I am excited about are these:

I took an online survey for a local natural foods store and got a $2 off coupon!! Go me! hehe So my mom went to the store while I was working and surprised me with nutritional yeast and Bragg's! Yay! She doesn't know about the whole blog world, but she does know that I've been talking about that stuff for a while now. (I just realized how weird this would sound to a non-blogger - being excited about yellow powdery stuff and a salty spray!)

Now all I have to do is figure out what to use them in. I put a little of the Bragg's on my vegetables for dinner and it was good. Tastes pretty much like soy sauce. The nutritional yeast I'll have to ration out carefully because I don't want to waste it. I really want to make a "cheese sauce" so we'll see how that goes. Anyone have any ideas or fave uses for me to try??

I hope you all had great starts to your weeks and I'll hopefully post on Wednesday!