Wednesday, December 29, 2010

To Try to Find Peace and Patches for Holes

Today I ate an egg yolk. 
Or most of one anyway.  You see, I can eat scrambled eggs with the yolks mixed in ok, but an over-hard or fried egg yolk?  Not happening.  But today I ate it.  :)

I should say that this might be triggering, so move forward with caution. 

I've been hearing/reading alot about intuitive eating and it makes me think about my own habits.  As much as I hate to admit it, I probably wouldn't say I'm an intuitive eater.  I eat my three meals a day, but it's usually regardless of when/if I'm hungry.  If I get hungry at 4:00 I'll wait until dinnertime to eat. If I'm not hungry at breakfast, I eat it anyway because I know I need to.  I don't know whether this is healthy or unhealthy, but, honestly, it seems to work for me.  My weight only fluctuates 3 or 4 pounds up or down at any given time.  I might not always eat guilt free, but usually I enjoy my meals because I know I'm giving my body what it needs and, quite frankly, I love food! 
Maybe, I'm still being "safe" about it, even after all these years.  Maybe I'll eventually learn how to eat whatever I want, whenever I want.  I would love to be able to listen to my body.  But, right now, I'm still not sure what my body is telling me.  I DO know what ED is telling me and I have to fight that with whatever I can.  And being a little more strict about my eating is how I do that right now.

I'm definitely not trying to attack intuitive eating or anything like that.  I think it's a wonderful thing, something that is great to aspire to.  I've just been feeling rather guilty that I "can't" do it and I had get it out of my system.  So I really, really hope no one takes offense to this - I love all you guys too much!

On a brighter note: we're halfway through the week!  Only a few more days until a brand new year. Wow, 2011 - makes me feel old, lol.  I hope everyone has a wonderful New Years!<3


  1. I completely understand! Intuitive eating is a struggle for me since I still have a hard time telling when I'm hungry or not...And my ED uses that of coarse to reassure me that I am full, quite full....I try but it's so confusing...

    I know! I can't believe it's almost 2011! It seems like 2000 and y2k just happened....Time flies.

    Take care! *HUG*


  2. Yeah, I kinda felt the same way too/: Like today I got hungry at 4 and I actually said; hey, I should have a snack! It was kinda nice. It is hard to break free of Ed's rigid rules, but we'll both completely let go of him eventually(: For now, you just do what feels right for you.

  3. Hi there, I just found your blog and I. love. it! Your story is pretty similar to mine, I did dance for a lot of my life and there's so much pressure in that to be skinny and perfect. I also have been petite and underweight my entire life. I liked this post a lot, because I've been hearing so much about intuitive eating and it doesn't seem right for me at this point in my recovery. I always eat around the same times, whether I'm hungry or not. And I don't necessarily eat as much as my body is telling me to, which isn't always good. Thanks for all your insight!


  4. This blog kind of scared me. Well, not kind of, it did scare me. Last Thursday night for the first time in almost 3 years I ate an egg yolk. Not a scrambled up yolk (that's easy), but a full on egg yolk poached in fresh tomato juice. I was scared at first and almost refused to eat it, but then I just cut it up and ate it little by little and I'm still alive. I might even be brave enough to have another one this week.

    I know what you mean about intuitive eating. Maybe one day we'll be at a place where we can eat, not just because we know we should, but because we want to. I hope so.