Friday, August 19, 2011

If You Just Realize


I’ve had sort of a mini epiphany or realization of sorts this week. Well, actually it’s been coming on for a while, but I think I’m finally ready to take action. You see, I consider myself “recovered” whatever that means. I’m not underweight, although I’m still quite thin, I don’t really have any fear foods, and, although body image is still a challenge for me, I don’t obsess over my supposed “flaws”. But, if I’m being truly honest with myself, I still have a lot of work to do - I’m merely surviving in my own little recovery world, rather than thriving. I want to be free - free from comparisons, free from guilt, free from rules, free from the nagging albeit quite voice in the back of my head. Is that possible? I don’t really know. I’d like to think that someday I can forgive and forget my ED, so to speak. At the same time I feel it’s like death or divorce - something that doesn’t necessarily come up all the time, but that changes you so completely, that you can’t ever really forget or go back to the way things were. Maybe that’s a bad analogy, but that‘s what I can think of at the moment.

But, I want to try. I need to try for my health and sanity and happiness. So I want to do a few things.
  • Gain X amount of pounds. This isn’t because I’m dangerously underweight or even underweight at all. Physically, though, I think I’ll look better and feel better if I’m at a slightly higher weight. Plus, my periods are really irregular and while I think this is just how I am, I want to rule out low weight as a cause. (Sorry if that’s TMI!)
  • Work-out in a healthy way. Yes, yes, I know this is burning calories and all that. But that’s OK. Let’s face it - most of us work-out to burn calories, not just to get “stronger” or “healthier“. Honestly, I think that’s fine, as long as we’re not undermining ourselves by restricting or hiding it. I want to work-out in a controlled, open, and honest way. None of the disordered, random work-outs because I’m feeling “fat” or like I ate too much.
  • Stop worrying so much about others. Ok, so maybe that sounds wrong or selfish. However, I spend way too much of my time fretting over the safety and well-being of other people, as silly as that sounds. Mostly, though, other people’s lives are out of my control and they’re going to do what they’re going to do. Of course, I can and will help in whatever way possible, but just plain worrying isn’t going to accomplish anything. I’m most guilty of this with my sister. Now that she’s across the country, I can’t control what happens to her. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care and that doesn’t mean I don’t love her. People need their space and when they do need help I need to actually have the energy to provide that.
  • Breath!! I’m guilty of rushing around, not thinking, not paying attention to the little things because I’m so worried about what’s next. Cliché, maybe. It’s true, I end up making mistakes or being embarrassed or panicking because I “don’t have enough time”. Well, I want to relax now. I don’t want to become lazy or lackadaisical, I just need to stop every so often and breath.
Wow! That was a lot. If you read it thank you!!! I’ve been trying this list out the past week and a half and I think I’m doing pretty well. I’ve actually gained a pound since last week and it’s the first time that I’ve voluntarily gained weight, so I think that’s good! Do you guys have anything to add?

I still want to show you a couple food pictures!

 Dan posted this Chickpea Bake recipe a little bit ago and I tried it out:

Topped with blueberries and honey. Son't you love that ramiken?
I made a few subs/additions to suit my tastes and it was delicious!

Breakfast a few days ago was another 2 Minute Microwave Crisp this time with banana and blueberry. 

Topped with Greek yogurt (on sale at Target, woo-hoo!) and cinnamon.

Also I was quite proud of this little lunch arrangement:

One slice of toast was topped with hummus/sour cream mix, cucumbers, radishes, salt, and pepper. The other was Nutella, raspberries, and TJ's Coffee, Cocoa, Sugar Grind (LOVE, btw!). All surrounding cantaloupe!
Yes! I think it’s blogger approved picture! Lol

Thanks you guys for all the comments and support. Love ya!


  1. Cute bowl! I love that; where do you find the cute bowl?

    Love your post today. I like it when bloggers talk about their ED in a very raw and honest way. It makes it more interesting to read (not that your previous posts were uninteresting; they were!)

    I am guilty of the same thing; worrying about others especially about my mom.....and I'm slowly getting rid of that kind of thoughts. It does get easier with time. I know it will for you as well.


  2. The picture at the end is really awesome. I like to split up my food and use tons of different toppings, especially with pancakes.

    I also love the tone of this post! I'm happy that you had a little epiphany; I absolutely love those little moments that make us realize something we need to see in a different light. Keep focused on your goals and I'm positive you'll reach them; you sound really determined!

  3. Yum, the crisp looks so good!

    I love all your goals, and how you're choosing to do what's best for your body, even if it's not "necessary". I really need to work on my relationship with exercise, too. I really don't enjoy it usually because it feels forced but I love it when I can be active in a way that I enjoy, like tennis or biking.

  4. I'm so proud of you!!!! :-) Your goals are amazing! I actually am implementing very similar goals as you- the weight gain, stop worrying so much about others, and definitely the remembering to breathe! I'm waiting a bit on adding too much exercise back into the mix, but it's definitely a long-term goal. I think you can definitely fully move on from your ED- I've seen many people do it before! In fact, if you're interested, I want to show you this article that my nutritionist wrote:

    Her opinion is that people who recover from EDs end up with an even more positive relationship with food than the average American, b/c we actually spend time reflecting on the issue and working on it, whereas the average American has food issues that they don't address at all.
    Keep us updated on your progress! <3 You rock!

  5. Great goals! I love all your pictures as well..come cook for me?


  6. Great goals darling. These all sound like pathways to a happier you, which makes me smile!

    I cannot tell you how FREEING it is to stop worrying so much about others. I'll admit I do it too sometimes, especially when it comes to worrying about my parents, but when I focus on me and my actions I feel like I have complete control (or as much control as possible) over anything that comes my way. I (and you too!) can handle it!

    Happy Sunday!

  7. I am very cautious in using the word RECOVERED because to me it means having no issues what so ever with your body, food or weight.
    It basically means, there are no signs, visible or other, thoughts or other, that have ANYTHING to do with your body etc.
    I consider myself recovered because in recovery, I still worried, still struggled to always feel good in myself, still thought about what I ate a little.

    Recovered is about none of that.
    It is being in full remission of any type of thought or feeling regarding the eating disorder.

    Being recovered is also a state of physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual harmony.
    It is about self love and a willingness to accept our needs and desires.

    I still battle with my mood, but with regard to the ED it is like it was never there.
    I also use incredibly healthy mechanisms should I become stressed, tired, vulnerable.

    It sounds like you are moving in a very positive direction.

    Keep fighting and know I have missed reading xxxx