I’ve had sort of a mini epiphany or realization of sorts this week. Well, actually it’s been coming on for a while, but I think I’m finally ready to take action. You see, I consider myself “recovered” whatever that means. I’m not underweight, although I’m still quite thin, I don’t really have any fear foods, and, although body image is still a challenge for me, I don’t obsess over my supposed “flaws”. But, if I’m being truly honest with myself, I still have a lot of work to do - I’m merely surviving in my own little recovery world, rather than thriving. I want to be free - free from comparisons, free from guilt, free from rules, free from the nagging albeit quite voice in the back of my head. Is that possible? I don’t really know. I’d like to think that someday I can forgive and forget my ED, so to speak. At the same time I feel it’s like death or divorce - something that doesn’t necessarily come up all the time, but that changes you so completely, that you can’t ever really forget or go back to the way things were. Maybe that’s a bad analogy, but that‘s what I can think of at the moment.
But, I want to try. I need to try for my health and sanity and happiness. So I want to do a few things.
- Gain X amount of pounds. This isn’t because I’m dangerously underweight or even underweight at all. Physically, though, I think I’ll look better and feel better if I’m at a slightly higher weight. Plus, my periods are really irregular and while I think this is just how I am, I want to rule out low weight as a cause. (Sorry if that’s TMI!)
- Work-out in a healthy way. Yes, yes, I know this is burning calories and all that. But that’s OK. Let’s face it - most of us work-out to burn calories, not just to get “stronger” or “healthier“. Honestly, I think that’s fine, as long as we’re not undermining ourselves by restricting or hiding it. I want to work-out in a controlled, open, and honest way. None of the disordered, random work-outs because I’m feeling “fat” or like I ate too much.
- Stop worrying so much about others. Ok, so maybe that sounds wrong or selfish. However, I spend way too much of my time fretting over the safety and well-being of other people, as silly as that sounds. Mostly, though, other people’s lives are out of my control and they’re going to do what they’re going to do. Of course, I can and will help in whatever way possible, but just plain worrying isn’t going to accomplish anything. I’m most guilty of this with my sister. Now that she’s across the country, I can’t control what happens to her. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care and that doesn’t mean I don’t love her. People need their space and when they do need help I need to actually have the energy to provide that.
- Breath!! I’m guilty of rushing around, not thinking, not paying attention to the little things because I’m so worried about what’s next. Cliché, maybe. It’s true, I end up making mistakes or being embarrassed or panicking because I “don’t have enough time”. Well, I want to relax now. I don’t want to become lazy or lackadaisical, I just need to stop every so often and breath.
I still want to show you a couple food pictures!
Dan posted this Chickpea Bake recipe a little bit ago and I tried it out:
|Topped with blueberries and honey. Son't you love that ramiken?|
Breakfast a few days ago was another 2 Minute Microwave Crisp this time with banana and blueberry.
|Topped with Greek yogurt (on sale at Target, woo-hoo!) and cinnamon.|
Also I was quite proud of this little lunch arrangement:
|One slice of toast was topped with hummus/sour cream mix, cucumbers, radishes, salt, and pepper. The other was Nutella, raspberries, and TJ's Coffee, Cocoa, Sugar Grind (LOVE, btw!). All surrounding cantaloupe!|
Thanks you guys for all the comments and support. Love ya!