This week has been quite a rollercoaster. Happy, sad, impatient, excited...every emotion, every day. But, that's ok - I think it's healthier to feel all this then push it aside.
The frowns: Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself. I've been weight restored and more or less "recovered" for around 4-5 years now, but I still have stages where I restrict and want to exercise all the time. I feel like my stomach is sticking out 5 inches or something and like my thighs are huge. I know this isn't true, of course, but the feeling has happened a few days this week.
I have so much to study, but I've been easily distracted lately and I can't focus on anything. I'm not depressed, I don't really know what's going on. I've been doing fine in school so far, butI'm worried that it's going to catch up with me during year-ends.
I'm really getting anxious about having to drive. You see, I have this irrational fear of driving. I don't really know why because I've never been in any accidents. I do have my permit (actually this is my third one because I keep letting it expire). It expires in March so I HAVE to practice and take the test before then (I'm 21 for goodness sake's). Maybe you guys could keep me accountable? Please? ;)
The smiles: I love practicing and preparing for the rink's Christmas show. So much fun!
I had a take home final in one of my classes! It was one of the harder ones too so that will free up some time.
I think I got most of my Christmas shopping done (Thanks to online shopping ;)
My sister and I made some delicious cupcakes (if I do say so myself). We used a cake mix (but you could use any homeade cake receipe instead) and replaced the water called for with fresh-squeezed pomagranate juice. They turned a kinda weird purple color, but they were tasty. My sister also stirred some pomagranate juice and extra powedered sugar into the frosting. We used a can because we didn't have any ingrediants for homeade, but next time I want to make it from scratch. I don't really like canned frosting. But, it did turn pink!
Well, this turned into a rather long post! But, that's ok because I think I'm going to take a break from posting for 2-3 weeks until I'm finished with school for the winter. I REALLY need to concentrate on that. I'll still be reading all your blogs (I love you guys!), but I might not comment or post. Sooo...that's all for now and I"l be back in a bit!
Love you!!
I'm scared about learning to drive too! When i'm driving with my dad, he always puts way too much pressure on me. Last time I drove into a ditch and some guy had to tow us out:P But I'm sure you'll do great, you'll just have to practice. And stay calm while you're driving.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're doing well, don't let the ED get to you. YOU know what's best for you, the ED doesn't.
The cake sounds fun(: I like pink things. It'd be interesting to try a pomagranate cake. You should post pictures if you make it again(:
I hope you post again soon, good luck with school! & thanks for the comments on my blog(:
-Danielle
I love using quotes from fictional characters too. So you're golden! :)
ReplyDeleteI'll miss your posts, but I get that you have school to focus on. I remember my college days and cramming for the finals! So very good luck to you on that! Hugs
I understand how you feel about struggling with your healthy self. That's where I am right now; trying to explore my body as it is now and embracing it as it is instead of wanting my sick, thin, underweight ED body back. It's a struggle. So I'm glad I'm not the only one with this struggle in my recovery!
<3 good luck once again with final semester exams.
Looking forward to your next post!
I'll miss your posts!!
ReplyDeleteBut it's good that your taking some time out for yourself so that you can get some things done you need too.
I know what you mean about crazy up and down emotions....I was sharing this with one of my therapists and just talking on and on, almost crying one minute and beaming in the next to look up and see her smiling..I was about to cry and didn't see what she could bee so happy about. But it was because I was actually FEELING my emotions not numbing them out! That made me excited!
Accepting my body no matter what it looks like really comes down to me accepting me not just my body. And that's a struggle because I haven't let myself trust me for a couple years..That sound really weird but it's how I feel sometimes..But not all the time!! Total recovery isn't for wimps..And you aren't one for sure!!
I hope your final semester exams go well and your driving test!!