Raise Your Glass!

Even if it is full of sparkling grape juice!

Happy New Year everyone!
This past year has been a whirlwind.  I've learned so much both academically and personally.  There have been so many ups and downs, ins and outs.  It makes me dizzy just thinking about all the stress and tears that I've gone through.  But, even more so, it makes me so thankful for all the wonderful, happy times I've shared with my family and friends.  I've gotten to know some amazing people in "real life" and in blog land.  In some ways I've changed so much since last year and in some ways, well, I'll always be the same little girl I've always been. 

Looking into the new year, there are many things I hope to accomplish.  Further my recovery, take down some lingering fears, grow stronger as a person overall, LOVE and FORGIVE like there's no tomorrow, get rich (well, maybe not...) and, of course, enjoy as much of this life as I possibly can.  Because when we get down to it, what could be more important?  We have today, right now, and that is the greatest thing we could ask for.

Here's to a great 2011!<3

To Try to Find Peace and Patches for Holes

Today I ate an egg yolk. 
Or most of one anyway.  You see, I can eat scrambled eggs with the yolks mixed in ok, but an over-hard or fried egg yolk?  Not happening.  But today I ate it.  :)

I should say that this might be triggering, so move forward with caution. 

I've been hearing/reading alot about intuitive eating and it makes me think about my own habits.  As much as I hate to admit it, I probably wouldn't say I'm an intuitive eater.  I eat my three meals a day, but it's usually regardless of when/if I'm hungry.  If I get hungry at 4:00 I'll wait until dinnertime to eat. If I'm not hungry at breakfast, I eat it anyway because I know I need to.  I don't know whether this is healthy or unhealthy, but, honestly, it seems to work for me.  My weight only fluctuates 3 or 4 pounds up or down at any given time.  I might not always eat guilt free, but usually I enjoy my meals because I know I'm giving my body what it needs and, quite frankly, I love food! 
Maybe, I'm still being "safe" about it, even after all these years.  Maybe I'll eventually learn how to eat whatever I want, whenever I want.  I would love to be able to listen to my body.  But, right now, I'm still not sure what my body is telling me.  I DO know what ED is telling me and I have to fight that with whatever I can.  And being a little more strict about my eating is how I do that right now.

I'm definitely not trying to attack intuitive eating or anything like that.  I think it's a wonderful thing, something that is great to aspire to.  I've just been feeling rather guilty that I "can't" do it and I had get it out of my system.  So I really, really hope no one takes offense to this - I love all you guys too much!

On a brighter note: we're halfway through the week!  Only a few more days until a brand new year. Wow, 2011 - makes me feel old, lol.  I hope everyone has a wonderful New Years!<3

Never Think Never, Let This Spell Last Forever

Well, I suppose I could actually write a post instead of just reading all your lovely blogs for hours. ;)

It sounds like most of you had very nice holidays. My Christmas was quiet, but fun.  I think I'll bore you all with a recap of the past few days, if you don't mind. :)
Christmas Eve day I went grocery shopping with my mom and sister for everything we needed for Christmas dinner.  I actually love going to food stores and looking at all the stuff.  I know I said previously that I don't like getting food we don't "need", but looking is always fun! 
Later, my sister and her skating partner had a performance at a local, temporary ice rink.  They did a great job!  That was around 5 pm, so we had to have dinner out afterward.  We went to a Mexican place that wasn't really fast-food, but it wasn't a nice, sit-down restaurant either.  Those places are actually the easiest for me to eat at, not sure why.  I played it safe and copied my sister's order, but I ate the food and enjoyed it. 
Christmas morning we got up and my mom made french toast.  Scary!! But I had a piece and some milk, too.  Then we opened our presents (it was just my mom, dad, sister, and me - we keep things small around here).  I love all my presents!  We try to keep things on a budget, so we don't usually get/give anything big or expensive, but really that's not the point of Christmas, I don't think. 
Here's my scarf:

You can't see, but it has peace signs, scary skulls, and hearts on it.  Three of my favs!

My new robe thing.  It's super warm! (Excuse the messy closet)

Then we decided that we didn't really want to sit around the house all day, so we went to the zoo.  One of my favorite places!  We made sandwiches with the Christmas roast and ate them at the zoo.  It was so much fun and I was actually able to relax for once.  I love that feeling, when you have nothing to worry about - no school or work stuff hanging over your head.  It's the best.  Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to feel that way all the time.  I know that worrying about things that I have no control over doesn't do any good.  That, really, we should just let things go because they DO work out for good.  Doesn't "good" by definition always overcome evil?
Aaannyway...
On Sunday, we, again, didn't really do anything.  We did brave the Asian markets to get stuff (edible and non-edible)in preparation for New Years.  (My mom does always a semi-traditional Japanese New Years.)  I did give in to temptation and work out in my room.  But only for a very short time. Then we had our "real" Christmas dinner. (Am I the only one who LOVES Brussel sprouts? lol)

Overall, it was a great weekend filled with relaxing and hilarious times.  The only stressful thing was that I didn't exercise very much, so right now I kinda have that "f" feeling, if you know what I mean.  I can get through it, but it's really so annoying and not fun.  Eating was good, though.  I ate alot and mostly I enjoyed everything with a minimum of guilt. 

Sooo, that was my holiday weekend.  If you're still reading this you deserve a gold star.  :)  I hope everyone has a wonderful week!
<3

Everyday I Fight For All My Future Somethings

Yesterday, my sister and I had a little fun.

Now (not to sound like a cookie snob, lol), but usually we make our Christmas sugar cookies from scratch.  BUT, my mom picked up this mix from Trader Joe's for - Ta Da! - 99 cents!  It came with mix, icing, sprinkles, even cookie cutters.  All we had to do was add an egg and butter.  They were quite easy and tasty, too. 

Here's a look at some of the finished products. (We used some of our own cookie cutters and decorations, too because we have a ton!)

The past couple of days have been good overall.  I've had my moments, cried my tears, but I've had the most stress-free days I've had in a long time.  Part of it, I think, is because I get to skate more now that I'm on break.  It sounds cliche, but it really is my escape and my love.  Even though I'm by on means an amazing skater, I feel like its something special, something I can do and not worry about what everyone else says or thinks about me. 

Which leads me to a story I read in Marie Claire while I was at work yesterday.  It's basically about what are called Highly Sensitve People - people who "feel" more than most others and react to things (and people)on a much deeper level.  Even though I don't necessarily think this is a condition or disease per say, it describes me perfectly and it was reassuring to see that, at the very least, I'm not quite crazy!

http://www.marieclaire.com/health-fitness/advice/tips/highly-sensitive-people

It's a very interesting concept and I think many of us can relate to it. 

Soo, I hope you (all 6 of you, lol!) are having a good week and getting prepared for holiday fun!  Thank you guys so much for commenting and visiting my humble little blog, btw.  I love reading your comments - they make me smile!  Hugs to all!<3

Joy To the World!

That's how I feel today - joyful and relieved!  I just finished my exams today, believe it or not, and I think they went pretty well.  Now I just have to wait and see the results...ugh it makes me nervous...

BUT, for now I can relax and read blogs and do puzzles (my family always has a random jigsaw puzzle in progress). And...clean my room!  It is in dire need of a complete organizational makeover which will take the span of a few days to complete.  I actually like cleaning and organizing though; it makes me feel like I accomplished something important, lol. 
(Btw, I'm writing this and watching skating on tv, so I apologize for any typos or non-sensical sentences)

Tonight, my family is going to a drive-thru light exhibit. It should be fun, even though it's been raining non-stop here.  We are going to make caramel corn and eat it in the car as we drive through, yum!  We've been on a caramel corn kick, which is weird because no one really liked it all that much before.  But, this recipe is really good.  Maybe I'll post it next time. :)

Which leads me to eating.  I've been pretty good, lately.  We've been making alot of sweet stuff to take to parties and friends and there always seems to be somthing in the house.  I just have to remind myself not to freak out about all the food.  I get this weird, anxious feeling when we have alot of food in the house, like we need to eat it up before we can make or buy anything else.  It's not really relaed to a fear of gaining weight from the food, it's just like there's too much to have to think about, if that makes any sense.  For example, I hate opening a box of cereal, if we already have one open - I feel like I have to eat the open one up first.  Idk, just a random, OCD quirk of mine. 
Actually, the past few weeks I've been having some digestion issues, which have been rather triggering and inhibited completely "normal" eating.  Because of it, I have lost a very small amount of weight, unintentionally.  It's probably just a phase, but if it doesn't get better, I promise I'll go get everything checked out. 

On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to relaxing this week and maybe making some special edible and non-edible treats for Christmas.  My family doesn't do anything big for the holidays, but we have our traditions.  We don't get a tree because our cats try to eat it and climb in it, but a few years ago we bought one of those wicker moose lawn ornaments and now we put that in our living room every year.  He lights up and everything! hehe

Sorry this is a long block of prose because I really am too lazy to put pictures in here right now.  I hope to have pictures ready next time.  Get ready for random and sporadic posting!! 
I hope you all are having a good weekend! Love you (in a non creepy way of course)!<3

A quick study break to show you guys that I have the cutest study partners!
Tanner:

Ricky:

Take care everyone!<3

In The Time That Our Best Has to be Good Enough

Hello my dears!
This week has been quite a rollercoaster.  Happy, sad, impatient, excited...every emotion, every day.  But, that's ok - I think it's healthier to feel all this then push it aside. 

(Yes, I quote fictional characters ;)
The frowns: Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself.  I've been weight restored and more or less "recovered" for around 4-5 years now, but I still have stages where I restrict and want to exercise all the time.  I feel like my stomach is sticking out 5 inches or something and like my thighs are huge.  I know this isn't true, of course, but the feeling has happened a few days this week. 
I have so much to study, but I've been easily distracted lately and I can't focus on anything.  I'm not depressed, I don't really know what's going on.  I've been doing fine in school so far, butI'm worried that it's going to catch up with me during year-ends. 
I'm really getting anxious about having to drive.  You see, I have this irrational fear of driving.  I don't really know why because I've never been in any accidents.  I do have my permit (actually this is my third one because I keep letting it expire). It expires in March so I HAVE to practice and take the test before then (I'm 21 for goodness sake's).  Maybe you guys could keep me accountable? Please? ;)

The smiles: I love practicing and preparing for the rink's Christmas show.  So much fun!
I had a take home final in one of my classes!  It was one of the harder ones too so that will free up some time. 
I think I got most of my Christmas shopping done (Thanks to online shopping ;)
My sister and I made some delicious cupcakes (if I do say so myself).  We used a cake mix (but you could use any homeade cake receipe instead) and replaced the water called for with fresh-squeezed pomagranate juice.  They turned a kinda weird purple color, but they were tasty.  My sister also stirred some pomagranate juice and extra powedered sugar into the frosting.  We used a can because we didn't have any ingrediants for homeade, but next time I want to make it from scratch.  I don't really like canned frosting.  But, it did turn pink!

Well, this turned into a rather long post! But, that's ok because I think I'm going to take a break from posting for 2-3 weeks until I'm finished with school for the winter.  I REALLY need to concentrate on that.  I'll still be reading all your blogs (I love you guys!), but I might not comment or post.  Sooo...that's all for now and I"l be back in a bit!
Love you!!

Sing to Me the Song of the Stars

I feel better today.  I'm still worried about everything, but I know that it will get better.  It always does, even though it's not always apparent right away.  I just have to keep telling myself that everything doesn't have to be perfect.  Yes, I will stress out about school because I care.  I will fight with people I love because I care - about them and (surprise!) about myself.   I cry afterward because I'm empathic and I feel what the other person is going through (in this case my mom).  I'm not trying to be self-righteous, but I think alot of people with an ED can relate.  From what I've read, many of us seem to rather shy and quiet, but extremely sensitive and "feeling" even if we don't know how to express that to those ("real" people) around us.  I think in some ways, though, sensitivity is a gift, albeit one that takes a long time to learn how to use.  I don't think I've figured it out yet, but I'm slowly learning.  I definitely take inspiration from all the wonderful people with blogs!

Speaking of which...
I'm really starting to love you guys. You're all awesome for taking the time to read and comment.  I know that's what we're all here for, but to actually see it is pretty special. So thank you!! :)

After that love fest ;)...

Right now I might have a slight obsession with persimmons.  Here's a pic of part of yesterday's lunch:

Not the best shot, but I was at work. And, yes, I did bring the whole jar of cinnamon to work with me. ;) 

And here is a persimmon-cranberry bundt cake that I had for breakfast today with some yogurt.  Yum!

(Er...My cat isn't actually licking it and we don't normally let our pets on the table...)


And lastly, Formspring me!!!  I got it a couple of months ago, then forgot about it.  Might as well resurrect it now. 
Well, I hope everyone has a wonderful day!<3

Sometimes Songs Can't Express How You Feel

I'm sort of panicking right now.  I don't know what to think.  I had a fight with my mom this morning - we're ok now, but I always feel like a horrible daughter afterward.  I hate that I'm an adult and yet I feel like a child and I'm too scared to fly away.  Not that I really could because I have too many obligations and responsiblities right now with school and work.  It's like I have adult problems and yet I have a child's life.  That doesn't make sense, but thats how I feel right now. 

Christmas is a only month away which means year-end exams and final are even closer.  I'm not ready; I feel like I'm going to fail.  I can't concentrate on studying.  I wish I could escape!

Food is ok, but I haven't been exercising and there's no skating for 4 days and of course Thanksgiving was yesterday...and I hate that I always feel that I have to eat less than my sister...

I'm so sorry for this post. It just came on so suddenly.  I don't want to be all negative, but I have to get this off my chest.  I know that God is there watching over me and He has done so much for me already, I just have to have faith.<3

I Walked With You Once Upon A Dream

Busy studying, it‘s crazy and exhausting. But, hopefully it will pay off. I have two quizzes tomorrow. =/
My skating rink is putting on a Christmas show and I’m in one of the numbers. It’s the first show I’ve been in in a while and I’m kinda excited. It’s a Disney theme and our number has the all the princesses and princes waltzing around. I get to be Snow White; she’s my favorite princess! Lol I’m such a kid!

What else has been happening around here?

• I haven't been working out very much (besides skating), which scares me, but I seem to be doing ok. 
• My sister made the BEST brownies the other day.  Alas, I do not have a picture of them, but they are Red Velvet brownies with cream cheese frosting from Southern Living Magazine.  If you come across this magazine, you MUST buy it and try this recipe.  Seriously. :)
• It's been pouring all day and I love it.
• I'm getting worried about what to get my family for Christmas.  I actually have some money this year, so I really want to make it count.
• I'm looking forward to seeing the Harry Potter movie on Thanksgiving.  It's our family tradition to be non-traditional.  We'll make our Thanksgiving dinner the day before and then on the actual day we'll either go to a new Harry Potter movie if it's out or we'll go to the zoo. (And eat turkey sandwiches in the car!)
• I used to have a huge crush on Daniel Radcliffe who plays Harry.  Now, I think I'm switching teams to Ron...
• Someday I will write some substantial, thoughtful musings on life and post them, but right now this is all I got. 
• Sorry for this long list of stream-of-consciousness randomness!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and week!
<3

Let's Get This Thing Started, It's My Kinda Party

So yesterday, a coworker was talking about how she'd been out until 3 am the night before, barhopping.  She asked if I ever go out.  I said "not really" (read: never).  She asked why not and I just said I never have the time.  Well, that's certainly true, but the real reason is hard for most people my age to understand. I don't like it!  Of course I have issues, (ed, fear of driving) that make it hard for me to be as social as I perhaps would like, but quite honestly, partying just doesn't appeal to me.  Drinking? I literally had 3 sips of a pina colada on my birthday and I haven't had a drink since.  Rowdy people checking each other out and being loud? Er, no thanks. 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for having a good time and if that's what helps you unwind then go for it.  But, I just kinda wish my peers wouldn't look at me like I have two heads when I tell them I don't go out like that. 

This is definitely more my party speed:



Ok, sorry for that rant.

In other news, I've felt like I live on the tundra lately (what 60 degrees with 10 mpr winds isn't that bad? I guess I'm just spoiled hehe)

So, my two new best friends:

I love passion fruit and this chap stick actually does it justice.  And I am currently obsessed with this TJ's tea.  It's peppermint, but it also has vanilla notes that keep it from getting bitter, even if you forget to take the tea bag out after steeping (like I do). 

Present Palatable Provisions: Pomegranates, pumpkin, (sweet) potatoes, and profiteroles.  Yum!

<3

Cause it's You That I Need and Nothing Else Until the End

Yesterday was a fun day. After skating in the morning, I went with a couple of friends to an acupuncture convention/trade show where I got a bunch of free stuff.  Needles and herb packets galore! 

(Yes, I realize the green thing on the left looks like a certian herb, but I assure you that it is not!;)
We stayed for almost 2 hours and the time just flew by.

Afterwards we went to dinner at a Korean restaurant.  It was my first time having Korean food and it was delicious.  Basically, I though it tasted like spicy Japanese food.  (Fun fact: I'm half Japanese.)  We ordered a few different dishes and shared around the table - bibimbap, tofu stew, short ribs, rice, and half a dozen vegetable condiments.  Here's a representation (ps. I love weheartit)

I was actually very proud of myself.  It is extremely hard for me to eat out with other people besides my family, especially when my family is not there.  I get anxious about what to order and how much to eat when I can't mentally compare my intake to theirs (especially to my sister's).  And then, when she is going to be eating something different from me, I still get hung up on eating fewer calories then her.  I'll explain more another time, perhaps. But, I did well last night.  I probably ate less than I could have, but I tried everything and enjoyed it.  Soo, happy days! lol

And, to end - here's a random picture that has nothing to do with this post, but it made me smile. :)

<3

Guess thats Why They Call it Window Pane

I'm not always positive Polly. 
Last night I had my monthly hysterical breakdown, so today I feel completely drained of emotion.  Which isn't necessarily a bad thing; it helps me concentrate on what I need to get done.  And achieving blankness by crying is MUCH better than achieving it through starvation.  Honestly, I think its just my hormones going crazy (if you know what I mean), but it feels like the end of the world when its happening. 

On a brighter note, I'm done with midterms and I did well.  Actually I'm pretty proud of myself (and grateful to Him) - the last test was the hardest one and I only got 3 answers wrong!  Yay! It's back to the grind though, because I have only 5 more weeks left in the semester, then finals, then comprehensive exams.  =/

Food wise, stuff has been pretty tasty around here.  Hot dog mummies and chocolate coffin cake for Halloween.  I know not the healthiest, but delicious! I did have my share of "good" food.  Roasted eggplant, kale chips (twice!), pumpkin oatmeal (finally blog-world food, lol), red-eye gravy, flaky buttermilk biscuits, and collard greens.  Yum!

One last thing, this made me cry.  I think they are both amazing women:
http://ellen.warnerbros.com/2010/11/portia_shares_her_personal_struggles_1104.php?icid=ellen|ws%A0&ncid=webmail

<3

Have You Ever Thrown a Fistful of Glitter Into the Air

I knew I would be terrible at updating.

Today was a good day, I guess - I studied, then worked, then studied some more.  I think I have a love-hate relationship with my computer right now.  It sucks away my time and, yet, gives me the world. Lol, thats why I don't need a boyfriend!

Yikes, I think this blog needs a higher purpose instead of rambling.  I'll work on that and I'll work on opening up.  Normally, it takes a year for me to really feel comfortable with someone in real life.  Hopefully I can cut that time down in the blog world! 

Memorable Meal of the day: Homemade chocolate-caramel cake (okay, so not exactly a meal, but its chocolate!)
<3

I Wanna Go Crazy

I am entirely too busy to start a blog, but there you go.  And this is probably one of the only picture of myself that I will ever post. =)
<3